38) Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard (2009)

In September of 2008, two websites launched titled "The Real Matt Hazard" and "Weapons of Matt Destruction" that set out to establish Matt Hazard and his fictional video game series as major influences in the video game history. They detailed the history of the character, going back to his arcade roots in 1983 and crediting the series for things such as the introduction of the ability to jump in gaming, a "Steamy Coffee" incident, and paving the way for longer development times. They also served to introduce the fictional developer, Marathon Software, and announce a revival of the character in the forthcoming title, Eat Lead. This eventually lead to a trailer for the game that was in the style of Behind the Music wherein the titular Matt Hazard chronicled his rise and fall in the industry, but vowing to make a comeback.

The game was, obviously, established as a parody, using a fictional character to poke fun at the industry and cliches within the shooter genre. On paper, there seemed to be a lot going that would make Eat Lead stand out as a comedy gem. Our protagonist, Matt Hazard, is voiced by Will Arnett while the primary antagonist is voiced by Neil Patrick Harris. The concept of a classic video game character overreaching and being featured in games that don't fit the established tone of the series made sense, as did such a character making a return in a modern game, trying to go back to the roots of the franchise while cashing in on the nostalgia factor. So, does the game succeed as a comedic experience while also using established norms in gaming to subvert expectations? No, it does not.

We begin the game with a brief overview of the character's history before being thrust into the obligatory tutorial level. As the controls appear on screen, Matt comments on how he doesn't need them, as he knows how to use a gun. This leads into a rather bland and boring level that culminates in a quick time event boss battle against Sonny Tang, an unfortunate though self aware representation of blaxploitation. Afterwards, we have our first encounter with Sting Sniperscope, who pulls a gun on us as our weapons mysteriously disappear. Just before we die, the game freezes and we're saved by the mysterious QA, who pulls us from the level and relays to us the bigger plot of the game. It turns out, the plan was to permanently kill Matt Hazard, replacing him with Sting for the rest of the game.

This is where things start getting meta and the game tries its best to stand out. It turns out that, due to Matt's contract, he cannot be fired and must be killed in a game in order for it to stick. The new head of Marathon Software, Wallace "Wally" Wellesley III, voiced by Neil Patrick Harris, is the self proclaimed best gamer of all time. He's beaten every single video game ever made with the exception of the Matt Hazard games, which he always found too difficult. Thus, in order to soothe his fragile ego, his entire plan is to kill Matt Hazard. It's probably the weirdest and dumbest motivation he could have, and he's presented as little more than a petulant crybaby with a superiority complex. What I find baffling about this is that it's never truly established that the Matt Hazard games are somehow more difficult than other games. It serves as a very weird way of making fun of gamers as a whole, which is sadly one of the few recurring themes of the game.

As we proceed, we find ourselves going through incredibly bland, linear levels that are only kind of made interesting as Wellesley and his programmers begin adding in assets from other games in an effort to stop Matt. The entire time, Matt will absolutely not shut up, spouting generic quips in the vein of Duke Nukem. At no point did I find any of the so-called jokes funny, and more often they felt insulting. For example, as we enter an elevator and wait for the next section to load, a common tool used in actual games, Matt remarks that it's not like we, the player, had anything better to do. It's the kind of humor you'd find in a bad MadTV sketch and is unnecessarily mean spirited toward the player. The rest of the "jokes" in the game seem to be little more than bad puns and ill conceived references. There's a section where we have to use a sniper rifle to defend a wizard friend from an MMO. The wizard is named Bill, which might be a bit funny if not for the fact that he gives one of the worst William Shatner impressions I've ever heard. The only reason I can think of for it is that he's named Bill, which is just stupid.

The gameplay is fine overall. Matt moves as you'd expect and the shooting feels is okay. Enemy variety seems pretty good at the outset, as enemies pulled from other games behave accordingly, but the AI is just dumb and the game quickly exhausts its pool of enemies. Boss fights are either forgettable or needlessly frustrating, with most skewing toward the former. The only boss fights I actually remember are a kracken fight aboard a ship where the gimmick didn't work properly half the time, and a fight against a Final Fantasy themed edgelord who spams AOE attacks while waves of goons distract you.

Eat Lead is a game with a fairly novel concept that absolutely botches the execution. Parodies are always a bit rough to get right, as you have to indulge in the very same cliches that you set out to make fun of, but they can work. Here, they don't, as the majority of the time is spent making fun of the player while having nothing of substance to say about gaming as a medium or shooters as a genre. If the gameplay was good, it might be able to get away with it, but instead the game is boring and bland at best. The levels you traverse are incredibly linear with poor design and feel barren. The story is stupid, which the game does acknowledge, but that doesn't make it any better. If I were to come into your home and shit on the dining room table, then look you in the eye and tell you you had shit on your table, it wouldn't suddenly become funny. That, to me, is what this game is. A steaming pile that dares to point out that it's shit and makes fun of you for playing it. The nicest thing I can say about the experience is that it's not overly long. Yeah, it sucks, but it doesn't suck for as long as it could.